I am hungry...RAWR

I eat breakfast every morning. No matter what.

I am usually in a rush, so breakfast generally consists of coffee (first thing when I wake up) and a Larabar or Nature Valley bar.  (I am especially fond of the "peanut butter" flavors of both...but I have a serious peanut butter addiction).  I used to eat lots of Fiber One bars, but I've been trying to eat more "natural" foods.  Well, kind of.

Last weekend we had pancakes one morning (a whole batch...just my fiance and me) and eggs and toast the other morning.  Strangely enough, we rarely eat eggs, but as soon as we are in the middle of a massive "egg recall" because of salmonella, we eat eggs two days in a row. We're okay so far (knocking on wood).  If I get reeeally lucky, we go to Golden Corral for breakfast, and I get to eat cake and cookies with my waffles.  (Golden Corral and I have a love/hate relationship).

Anyways, this morning I woke up hungry, really really hungry.  We had a normal-to-large sized dinner last night, so it doesn't seem like I should be starving from a blood sugar spike after a super huge dinner or famished because we had a tiny, veggie-only dinner.  This insatiable hunger happens to me occassionally...sometimes in the mornings, sometimes in the afternoons, and sometimes late at night.  Whenever I complain about this phenomenon, people tell me it's because "I'm not eating enough" and that "my body will let me know when I've had enough."  I don't believe this for a second.  You should have seen the way my fiance was looking at me as I ate pasta salad out of the serving bowl last night.  (Pasta salad with pepperonis and full-fat cheese).  It's not that I don't trust my body (I trrry to listen to my body), but I don't really know if I CAN trust my body.  Case in point: after an extra large meal at Golden Corral, I still want to and do eat three full plates of desserts.

Ok, so back to this morning.  I had coffee with splenda and powdered creamer around 7 and a peanut butter cookie Larabar around 7:45.  At 9 o'clock I felt like I was still starving, so I decided to listen to my body. Instead of just trying to chug two glasses of water (that doesn't usually work, by the way), I grabbed the jar of Trader Joes's natural, crunchy, unsalted peanut butter.  I ate the second half of the jar. 

Yes, I did mention before that I like peanut butter far, far too much, but I didn't feel out of control (like I was eating my feelings or anything)...and I feel full but not stuffed now.  Why does this happen? 

I have no idea.  Even more baffling is that I just started taking a new medicine that my doctor said would make me not hungry.  He also said that I would have to make sure that I ate enough and ate frequently enough.  (He warned that if I did not do this, I would be grumpy and starving when it wore off).  It is possible that the medicine has the opposite effect on me, but this "insatiably hungry" feeling has happened to me many times before.

I also have not been working out much lately.  ( I know they say that you should "schedule it in" no matter how busy you are, but I have been really busy...and I really like to sit on the couch and putz around the internet while I watch TV).  Working out can make me extra hungry, but I haven't BEEN working out.  Hmph.

So after a little research, I found some possible causes for this hunger that won't go away:

• Not drinking enough water (a possibility... I haven't been very good about that lately)
• Not eating enough protein (I think that I possibly eat TOO much protein...hello peanut butter! But, maybe it has to do with my lack of fruits and veggies?)
• Horomonal reasons (Yes, I do eat everything in sight the week before I get my period, but not right now)
• Hypothyroidism and Diabetes (I have been to the doctor more than once this year, so I think I am ok in this area)
• Pregnancy (Nope)
• Not eating frequently enough (I really do make an effort to eat every 3ish hours)

I've decided that the cause of my hunger is most likely mental and also from not drinking enough water.  I have a huge, gigantic and completely irrational fear of not liking the way I look in my wedding dress/not being able to fit in my wedding dress.  I am getting married in a little over 9 months, so I probably should not be stressing about this yet.  But I am.  I've already had nightmares.

See here's a little history about me and gaining weight before "important events." (And yes, I know that I am completely vain and that I have unrealistic idea of what "fat" is, but I'm just being honest here people.)

1. I never thought about my weight until I was 15, when, on the last day of 4-week summer camp, I could not fit in to the capri pants that I had worn there on opening day.  During that month I ate Kashi Good Friends cereal mixed with peanut butter and chocolate syrup (it was the last summer that they allowed kids to bring and have food sent from home),  I participated in several grilled cheese eating contests (I dominated by the way--I remember eating more than 7 one time), I ate second helpings and dessert at every meal, and I put peanut butter on EVERYTHING.  I was also supposed to go to New York City for a week-long modeling exhibition about two weeks after I got home from camp.  I still went, and I did fine, but from then on I paid attention to my weight. (By the way, going to all-girls camp for four weeks is supposed to be about gaining self-esteem and friends, not weight.)
2. This particular camp had really delicious food.  When I was 17, I was a counselor at said camp for 10 weeks during the summer before my senior year of high school.  I was scheduled to take my senior pictures shortly after I got home from camp.  Everyone's senior pictures always looked perfect to me in the year book, so I was determined to look perfect too.  I also had to jump right in to cheerleading practice and school.  I gained 10 to 15 lbs during that summer (you would think that I would be able to remember the exact weight since it was such a big deal then), and I hated the way my first round of senior pictures (and cheerleading pictures too) looked.  **Pictures, really?! Those picture do not matter at all now**
3. I was also sure that I would meet my future husband during my freshman year of college; so, obviously, I wanted to look my best.  (And to me, that meant skinny.)  During the end of that summer and the first semester of my freshman year of college I gained 20-25 lbs.  Yup, its possible...easily.  And I was super embarassed to see everyone from high school when I went to the "young alumni gathering" during Christmas break.  Yes, the homecoming queen and one of the captains of the cheerleading squad had gained weight.  (I assumed that that was every other girl's fantasy, and I had made it come true.)

Pokey Sticks from Gumby's Pizza

Probably an extra-large contributer to my weight gain freshman year

This is what I felt like...

And this is what I looked like.

(Ok, not really--thanks Lalleh for the iphone pic, but you get the idea...)

There are other less extreme examples, but you can understand now why I have a fear of sabotaging myself for my wedding.  Ofcourse I am a completely different person today, and I am much more concerned about my health and living a long, happy and healthy life with my hubby-to-be and my future children.  But there is still that voice very far in the back of my head telling me that I will sabotage myself. 

As I read over this post I realize how vain, crazy, and eating-disordered this post makes me sound.  Personality, honesty, kindness, and intelligence are just a few of the traits that I value now more than appearence (and I have been in therapy since I was 10 years old...I could BE a therapist), but I am still a female. And I'm a work in progress.